#synthetichef strikes again

#synthetichef strikes again

Synthetichef need not follow landmark neighborhood signage rules. Because, you know, he’s all about “progress.”


DD took over the space formerly occupied by a 30+ year old neighborhood Italian joint called Tonio’s, which had a sign above its storefront and none on the building above. This photograph, however, is not a paean to Tonio’s, which was past its glory days and couldn’t generate enough business to save itself. A couple months after Tonio’s closed, work permits appeared in the windows, indicating a new “restaurant” with “no change” to existing “usage.” From a construction POV, this is all true. The NYC building code espouses no morality. It’s mission is to provide a baseline safety net.

But no one is going to be there to say “Stop!” anymore. All of a sudden a loud and shameless sign obscures a century-old view, barking at you from above in a bubbled pastel voice. It says, “go ahead and rant about this on your journal, asshat. You should be frightened. I don’t need the internet to go on and on and on. Clearly, you do.”

On the block behind this photo, on 7th Ave between 8th and 9th Streets, is a decades-old diner called 7th Avenue Donuts Luncheonette. They make their donuts fresh every day by hand the way Synthetichef only does in his television commercials. Two avenue blocks away (about a 5-minute walk), another DD operates 24/7 with a built-in BR.

“There is already significant demand for donuts in the area and this location is adjacent to a different subway stop from our existing location in the neighborhood,” said the overzealous Ass-sociate Marketing Channel Coordinator at a “Park Slope Strategic Direction” meeting in the Golden-Corral Conference Suite in the Marriott adjacent to Synthetichef’s midwestern corporate campus. “And we can operate at a much higher EBITDA than that lesser capitalized mom and pop donut shop on the next block. We don’t have capacity issues like they do. And our donuts do not have to pay for a mortgage or children in college. Our donuts need only support the seven dollar an hour cavalry that’ll man the storefront.”

But careful there, Professor. No one likes to be colonized.

INGREDIENTS: Donut: Enriched Unbleached Wheat Flour (Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Iron as Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Enzyme, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Palm Oil, Water, Dextrose, Soybean Oil, Whey (a milk derivative), Skim Milk, Yeast, Contains less than 2% of the following: Salt, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda), Defatted Soy Flour, Wheat Starch, Mono and Diglycerides, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Cellulose Gum, Soy Lecithin, Guar Gum, Xanthan Gum, Artificial Flavor, Sodium Caseinate (a milk derivative), Enzyme, Colored with (Turmeric and Annatto Extracts, Beta Carotene), Eggs; Glaze: Sugar, Water, Maltodextrin, Contains 2% or less of: Mono and Diglycerides, Agar, Cellulose Gum, Citric Acid, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Artificial Flavor.

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